She stared at the bottom side of the upper bunk as she lay down on her bed. Just staring at it. Trying to empty her mind of thoughts, toxic thoughts that would make her feel even worst than she already was. 

It was hard and those thoughts kept on breaking through that state of emptiness she was trying to enter. In another attempt to keep away those thoughts that kept on getting louder in her head, she reached out for her iPod, plugged in her earphones and turned up the volume as music from the band, the Hiatus started playing.

Just as she thought she could breathe a small sigh of relief… a tear fell down her cheek.

No! She screamed out in her heart. No,no,no! More tears started streaming down her face. That single tear had wasted her efforts and all those thoughts she was trying to keep at bay exploded into her head at once.

“You’re useless!”, a voice snidely whispered.

“You shouldn’t even be alive! You don’t deserve to live!”, another voice hissed.

Silent tears started to mix with sniffling as she clenched her teeth and hands in attempt to lessen her pain. 

“What are you even doing here??”

“You’re a disappointment to everyone you know!”

“What a waste of space and energy!” 

More and more of those negative thoughts kept on coming.

Stop it! Please, stop it! She pleaded in her heart as she curled up into a fetal position. Crying, she turned up the volume of her iPod to maximum and closed her ears with her hands so that her thoughts would be drowned out by the loud music.

Somehow, with tear-stained cheeks and loud music in her ears, she managed to fall asleep but this wasn’t the first time she had to fight with these thoughts that keep her awake at night… and you can be sure that it won’t be the last time too…

The kitten was still and quiet at first when she lifted it by a choke hold. One could tell that the poor kitten was scared because its tail was curled up between its legs.

The girl just stared at the kitten in its eyes, as if expecting something, maybe anything to happen.

Miow!! Please let me go.. It hurts…

Was probably what the kitten meant when it suddenly mewed and struggled, using its hind legs to break free from the girl’s firm grasp.

The girl, surprised, and somehow angered by the sudden movement, shook the kitten violently in response. When she stopped shaking it, she continued to stare at the kitten.

No, stop this! You know this is wrong.. A little voice in the back of the girl’s head spoke but it was drowned out by the sound of the blood rushing to her head, as her heart raced from excitement.

Then, she slowly tightened her grip around the kitten’s neck. She could feel the bones and throat of the kitten being pushed tightly together.

Guhh. Miow!! Miow!! Miooooowwww!!

The kitten cried out and tried to escape her grip by using its hind legs again but to no avail because the girl just grabbed its hind legs instead.

She continued choking the kitten while watching it suffer. It was desperately gasping for air and its eyes were slowly popping out of their sockets. When its tongue started to stick out and it seemed quiet, the girl relaxed her grip.

She was suddenly afraid that the kitten had died.

The kitten, thankfully, was still alive and it took that opportunity to run away and hide in a place where she wouldn’t be able to reach it.

Oh, my god.. the girl thought.

What did I just do? she questioned herself as tears started welling up in her eyes…

Full of disgust with herself, she then reached out for her pen-knife……

She stared hard as the tightly gripped pen knife cuts across her skin. Her hand was clenched so that her skin would be tight and easy to cut. 

After that first cut, she lifted the knife away from her arm and stared at the cut as small droplets of blood started appearing. Her face felt hot and all she could hear then was the sound of her heavy breathing and her racing heart.

It was her first time cutting herself with a knife. She was scared but she knew that she needed to do it. All the time she’s wasted, all the mistake she’s done, all the people she’s disappointed… As she remembers all of that, she lifted her pen-knife once again to rid herself of all the anger and self-disgust those thoughts brought upon her… and the cycle would continue again and again… until when, she will never know…